Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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