You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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