If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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