this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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