her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
