You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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