I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Your cock deserves a montage
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
