Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
