yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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