U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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