just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
