we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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