There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
