I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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