Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
