I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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