Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
