forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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