My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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