remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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