He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
