Your mouth is God's brothel.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
