Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
