I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
it's like iHOP with fire
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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