how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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