Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
