im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
