my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
