Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
