I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
