so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
