Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
