i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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