im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
