My cat gives me a boner
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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