I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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