im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Randomize
