I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
