I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
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Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
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Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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