the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
