Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
