i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
