I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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