I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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