You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Two words: blizzard sex
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
