the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
