have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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