Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
