I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
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Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
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What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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