I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
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Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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