seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
