I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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