Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
