woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
